Strategies for Being the Most Compassionate Friend—Ever!

When our son was arrested for a heinous crime, almost two and a half years dragged by as we awaited his trial. After seven postponements, it was finally scheduled. 

My friends Karen and Bette Jo contacted me to ask if they could plan a girls’ getaway sometime before the trial. At one point all of us lived in the same city, but due to business and ministry moves, we had settled in three different cities several hours apart. Karen’s family owned a cottage in northern Indiana, and that was designated as our meeting place.

When I arrived, Karen and Bette Jo were already there. They suggested that I unpack while they worked on dinner, and I soon realized they were treating me as their very special guest. That evening we had a glorious time of remembering shared experiences—highlights of a bygone season of our lives. We recalled things that made us laugh out loud and other memories that brought joy-filled reminders of a happier time in my life.

I felt encouraged. Since Jason had been arrested, I had not left my husband’s side to spend time with girlfriends. As I laughed with my friends and relished this mini-vacation, I had to suppress occasional feelings of guilt—the false guilt that says we’re wrong to enjoy our own lives when a loved one is hurting.

The next day we stayed in our bathrobes until noon and drank coffee on the deck overlooking the lake. It was unhurried. Quiet. Peaceful. Uninterrupted. I felt like I had entered a haven from the chaotic world of planning for my son’s first-degree murder trial. 

Your situation is likely very different from mine, but you may live in the middle of challenging circumstances that may impact your life for years to come:

• being diagnosed with a terminal illness

• struggling with infertility

• death of a loved one

• loss of a job or a ministry position

• giving birth to a child with a disability

• an accident that results in a major life-change

• a child who has turned his or her back on what we have taught him or her

• an unwanted move to another home or to a different city

• a desire to marry, with no life partner in sight

If you’ve ever needed a compassionate friend or if you need to show compassion to someone else right now, keep reading.  Here’s what I learned from my friends:

1. Sing to a person who needs hope.

That afternoon it was overcast, and we were inside. Karen said, “We just want to encourage you,” and she and Bette Jo opened some old-fashioned hymnbooks. They had pre-selected songs to prepare my heart for the most challenging week of my life.

My friends started by singing a song I had heard from my earliest years in church: “Great Is Thy Faithfulness.” They sang all of the verses, then turned a page and sang, “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God,” followed by “Amazing Grace.” For an hour these dear friends, a choir of two, sang to me—an audience of one. Karen and Bette Jo are not trained musicians, but out of love for me, they performed a concert of some of the great songs of the faith, reminding me of God’s faithfulness.

2. Read significant Scriptures that offer encouragement.

After they sang, they pulled out their Bibles and read Scripture verses to prepare my heart for the week of my son’s trial. One verse that stayed with me was Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Another passage that comforted me during that worst week of my life was Psalm 23: “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing…Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me” (verses 1, 4).

3. Pray over the person who needs comfort.

Karen and Bette Jo wrapped up that afternoon by covering me, our son, and the rest of our family in prayer. They prayed out loud for me—their friend—and I had never been more in need of prayer.  I felt understood, known, seen, and loved.

I’ve learned that it’s possible to pray for people in person, by phone, or through text messages, voice messages, email, or facetime.  People don’t need fancy words or profound phrases—they just need you to lift their need to the Lord with sincerity. 

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I used to think “showing compassion” meant feeling sorry for people in difficult circumstances. I was wrong. Compassion is when we respond to someone’s need both emotionally and practically. That’s what Karen and Bette Jo did for me, and it gives us an example of what we can do for others.

Nahum 1:7 says, “The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble.  He cares for those who trust in him…”  And he often uses our friends as those who deliver hands-on compassion to us in times of need.   

Question:  How have you experienced “tangible compassion” from a friend when you needed to know someone cared?

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